Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Time to Bust Out the Medical Dictionary

So this road trip has proven to be costly for the Twins as far as injuries and other medical conditions are concerned. I want to make sure I know exactly what's going on with the boys, so I'll consult my trusty medical dictionary again (I use Stedman's).

Justin Morneau: Everyone is referring to his condition as an "inner ear infection," very similar to what Denard Span had. Hmmm...let's see...ok, I've got it.
labyrinthitis (a.k.a. otitis interna); inflammation of the labyrinth (the internal ear), sometimes accompanied by vertigo.
Well, that sounds about right -- that vertigo thing makes it different from ear infections common to children (otitis media) and also can be more serious. Here's hoping he has the correct medication and can get well soon.

Jason Kubel: No one really said what the injury to his knee was that took him out of Tuesday's game. But since he was back in the line up on Wednesday, I'll assume it was only a boo-boo.
contusion; 1. any injury caused by a blow in which the skin is not broken. 2. bruise.
It's not serious. A little ice and therapy, and he'll be fine.

But as great as Stedman's is, it's really meant for general medicine. There are certain injuries and conditions that are specific to baseball. Some of them are specific to the Twins. So for this information, I had to sneak in to the Metrodome on Tuesday and swipe the medical dictionary out of the trainer's room. Don't worry, there was no way I was going to get caught -- all the security staff had left the building to go to Winter Park for the Favre-apolooza.

It proved to be very informative.

Francisco Liriano (and others who I won't name): He was placed on the DL after Monday's game with what they're calling "arm fatigue." I don't buy it. Here's what I really think it is:
isuckthereforeimustbehurtosis; a condition immediately following a poor performance, characterized by complaining of "something's not right" or other vague assesments. See also: isuckandmyteamwantstocallupsomeoneelseosis, isuckandimoutofoptionssomyteamcannotsendmedownosis.
That was the closest entry I could find for him.

Philip Humber: I suspect that he might be suffering from the following common affliction.
new guy syndrome (NGS); the inability to distinguish players on your team from players from the opposing team, often causing errant throws to no one.
I know, I know, he's not really new. Hopefully, it's not an ongoing condition.

Scott Baker: It's been such a struggle to figure out his story.
selective baseball competency amnesia (SBCA); the inability to follow a good performance with another good performance.
Yikes! That sounds chronic.

Ron Gardenhire: No one has said anything about him having any kind of condition, but every time the camera shows him on TV, I can tell that he has something. And I'm not the only one who noticed; our friend luckie/sarah noticed it too.
facewillfreezethiswayparesis; characterized by uncontrollable and continued scowling, grimacing, sneering, and/or rolling of eyes, usually accompanied by redness of the face and neck. Sometimes accompanied by chronic peptic ulcer. Usually caused by stress or despair.
Watch for it -- you'll see it too. I think many fans might have this one too.


Anonymous said...

Way way funny, K-bro !!!

You've most likely nailed it exactly on the head.

we'vebeentaughtbadpitchingtechniquesinthe minorleagueitis

(1) a condition that exacerbates itself after one or two outstanding seasons in the majors; often followed by some specific injury on the throwing arm that requires mega-time on the DL with expensive surgery, rehab and retraining to become maginal if not hopeless. see, also, baseball emotional crisis; and GarzaHeadCaseoPhobia

Thanks, k-bro

(a.k.a. Mookie5)

Nursing continuing education said...

This blog not only succeeds in what I doubted a single author could accomplish -- the blog is, in fact, a useful and balanced overview of the state of medical education -- but also is exactly what the author promises a blog about the pursuit of excellence in medical education, construed above all in ethical terms.

k-bro said...

Thanks Kristy!

I liked yours. Tell me, is that Garzaheadcasephoba a contributing factor to him spitting so much?

k-bro said...

Hey, look everybody! I write an excellent blog! The spammers think so. Wait, what?...that's not what that really says. What does it say?


Jim H. said...

John Gordon is hurt, too, but I guess they don't put announcers on the DL. He has blurtitis blovious, a condition in which he says one thing ("two out") and immediately corrects himslef ("uh, make that one away"). It's getting worse, especially when combined with his chronic whozzatomia -- the tendency to mispronounce opposing players' names.

Michael said...

Funniest thing I've read in a long time!


LOL! Great entry!

k-bro said...

Thanks Jim,

I think you're right about Gordo.

I also think that Dan Gladden suffers from:

rambleonosis with accomanying talkaboutanythingbesidesthegameosis


Anonymous said...

John Gordon has to go. Agreed with what you guys are saying. His ability to make mistakes goes way back before he had his stroke.

Justin Morneau's dad wrote and asked TV and Radio to properly pronounce his son's name back when Justin first came up. John tried and has thusly failed. TV does it correctly, but John won't. Dan doesn't try either. Chris A. from TRN did---even when sitting in for Gladden. Did John change? or inquire? nope. MOR-know. Listen to Justin say it during his ads on radio. Simple.

Gordon is a nice guy, according to the folks around radio world in town. Anyone who has ever called to criticize (and give specific examples) gets the 3rd degree from the on-air talent. As if they criticized Mother Theresa.

John bungles a lot of stuff---it would not be difficult to find evidence of that. Of course, who can hear him much---being on a 4.5 watt station that barely gets 20 miles across town to my battery powered radio.

I do believe John writes about 8 pages of notes (on yellow legal pads) and makes it his goal to get thru all 8 pages before the end of the game. And, come hell-or-high-water he will get thru them to the delay of game info.

And, what about John getting excited over the other team's offensive glories? He gets just as excited for an opponent's HR as he does for the Twins. I don't mind that kind of respect for a great defensive play (keyword: great) because you're honoring a skill set, but NOT the other team's HRs or hits. No no no, John.

I like Gladden. Lets keep him. His ability to pull-off raw, shoot from the hip color is grand. Perhaps we can trade Joe Mauer to the Yankees for a couple of minor leaguers, huge amts of cash and Jim Kaat.

New stadium, new play-by-play announcer !!!!!

So, this went outside the blogs post, eh? Whoops...sorry.

a.k.a. Mookie5