Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Blame It on the Sleeping God (a story)

Twins 9 - Indians 12 (11)

What a wild game -- down and up and back down again. It's as if the Baseball Gods were goofing around with it. Hmmm......

The Baseball Gods have a get-together on Mt. Doubleday to celebrate the last full moon of the season. The God who looks over the Yankees, Steinbrennerus, is crankier than usual. Colangelo, the God who looks over the D-Backs, approaches Steinbrennerus to chat.

Colangelo: Hey Steinbrennerus, how's it going this year? I hear the Yankees aren't going to make the playoffs. What's up with that?
Steinbrennerus: Aw, hell. It's those stupid Rays. Ever since they dropped the "Devil" from their name, they have all this...spunk. I hate spunk.
C: Why don't you mess with them and make them lose?
S: I wish I could, but Espn, the Supreme High Commander of All Sports Gods, has taken a liking to them. I need to keep him happy. He's been giving the Yankees ballpark a whole bunch of coverage on his little cable-tv project. And I'm going to ask for more coverage next season when the new park opens. So I'll just leave the Rays be. But I am feeling a bit vengeful this evening. I think I want to mess with somebody. Who else has spunk?
C: Well, I hear the Twins are surprising a lot of people by hanging in their pennant race.
S: The Twins, huh? Who watches over them?
C: Um, I think Pohladus does.
S: That old fart? Ha! Do you know he's richer than I am, but he won't spend it on his team? That just bugs me. Oh, this will be perfect. Where is he?
C: He's asleep over there. He's been there since Saturday. I guess he powered the team's bats in a double-header, but he overdid it and hasn't recovered yet. In fact, I doubt he even knows they lost two in row to rookie pitchers.

Steinbrennerus walks over to where Pohladus sleeps.

S: Hey Pohladus, you SOB! Wake up! I'm gonna mess with your team.
Pohladus: Huh? What? Wait, you can't do that. They're in a pennant race.
S: Just watch me. Who's starting tonight? Liriano? Heh heh. I give Liriano "Failure to Locate".

Just then, a thundbolt reaches down into the Progressive Field bullpen where Franciso Liriano is doing his pre-game warmups.

P: Aw, crap. I'm too old for this.
S: Ha! I give Punto "Throwing Error".
P: [sighs] Fine, I'll play your little game. I give the Twins bats "Hitting".
S: I give Justin Morneau...
P: Hey, you can't touch him. He's MVP material. It's in the rules.
C: Yeah, Steinnie, he's right, you can't touch him.
S: Fine. I give Delmon Young "Swing At Everything".
C: Dude, he already has that. It's chronic.
S: Oh, right. Ok, I give Carlos Gomez "Liner to Third for Double-Play".

Someone from off-stage calls out to Steinbrennerus to inform him the Yankees are losing again. Steinbrennerus exits to go watch over Yankee Stadium for awhile.

P: Good. Got rid of him. I give the Twins bullpen "Effectiveness".

Pohladus sits down again and begins to doze off. Steinbrennerus returns.

S: What? They took the lead? This is no good. Quickly, I give Grady Sizemore "Home Run to Tie". Ok. now I have time to think of what to do.
C: Got any ideas?
S: Yeah, you know how everyone says that Joe Nathan might be the best closer in the game?
C: Yeah. So?
S: Well, I hate that. My man Mariano Rivera is the best closer in the game. I know...I give Joe Nathan "Rusty Arm."
C: Um, I don't think you can do that. Pohladus gave the bullpen "Effectiveness".
S: So? Who's he going to tell? He's asleep over there.

To Be Continued...

1 comment:

Tricia said...

'Tis not very nice of the baseball gods to toy with us all season, and then let things fizzle out now. Or maybe that sweep in Chicago was a harbinger of things to come, and we just didn't know it!