Thursday, September 30, 2010

Twins at Royals: Better Baseball Through Movies and Television

Monday -- embarrassing
Tuesday -- embarrassing
Wednesday -- hey! Twins win!

Record: Still not the best in the American League, even though neither the Yankees nor the Rays seem to want to own it either.

I get it that it's not easy to get amped up about a meaningless game against the Royals. In fact, a couple of folks compared these last two series to another Spring Training, where guys are more worried about working on stuff and avoiding injury than playing with intensity (see Jim Crikket's piece in the Knuckleballs Blog, and listen to Seth Stohs' interview of Jamie Ogden), which makes sense.

But, really? Did they have to be so gawd-awful? Did they have to so hard to watch? Did they have to look so lifeless? Ugh.

So, with the final series, in front of their adoring fans, coming up, I thought the boys could use some motivation -- (this seems to be becoming a recurring theme in this blog, doesn't it?). I called upon my less-than-vast knowledge of excellent scripts from wonderful movies and television shows to develop a hell of an inspirational speech.

[clearing throat]
You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Lollygaggers! A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.

This is your time. Their time is done. It's over. I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great [baseball] team the [Royals] have. Screw 'em. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.

You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club. Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the world by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat! You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and living in a van down by the river!
And then for when the playoffs start:
I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!

Gentlemen, the hopes and dreams of an entire town are riding on your shoulders. You may never matter again in your life as much as you do right now. This is national TV. So don't pick your noses or scratch your nuts.

Let's pray: Uh, Lord, hallowed be thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank you for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is — she kept calling your name. And God, these are good [guys], and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. OK, that's it.

Butt-scratcher! Butt-scratcher! Get your butt-scratcher here!

{Internet points if you can name the movies/shows. Put your guesses in the comments.}


JimCrikket said...

There are a couple quotes that I can't place, which, oddly enough. actually makes me feel better about myself. Instantly recognizing all of them would probably say something about me and my life that I'd rather not admit.

I did recognize two Bull Durham quotes (3 actually with the first one being a combination of two separate quotes), sandwiched around a Miracle quote. The "govt cheese" quote sounds familiar but I can't place it. Then you've got a Major League line from manager Lou Brown.

Next, you smoothly combined a Friday Night Lights quote with one I can't quite place... the "don't pick your noses..." part comes from either North Dallas Forty or Semi-Tough, I think.

The baseball prayer is classic Tom Hanks from A League of Their Own, but I'm afraid I have no clue on the "butt-scratcher".

Topper said...

You also got a little bit of Any Given Sunday and Hoosiers feel in there don't you?

JimCrikket said...

Hey guess what... I'm not the only one who thinks this has been like the last week of Spring Training. This quote from Jim Thome is from the Strib's article after the game Saturday...

"It's almost like the last week of spring training going into Opening Day," Thome said. "The goal is to keep everybody healthy. And you don't ever want to say that about a major league game because the intensity's there, but it's a little bit different than when you get introduced on the line [before the playoffs] come Wednesday night."