Sunday, June 27, 2010

Lousy Road Trip Care Packages...

...done in lousy pictorial puns.

Yeah, so this road trip was a little tough. The Twins went 3-6, and they went 8-10 for interleague play. Pretty untypical stuff lately.

So, thank goodness both the road trip and interleague play are over for the year. I bet the players feel the same way. They're likely to feel pretty crummy coming home from this clunker of a trip. They're in a bit of a slide, and they could probably use some cheering up. I propose we put together some swell care packages to make them feel, and play, better.

For the hitters...

It seemed like a lot of the guys had big holes in their swings. Like this:

So let's get them a bunch of these, and then they'll have solid swings:

For the fielders...

The guys have been making some mental mistakes and having sub-par performances out on the field. We all know they're better than that. Justin Morneau even said something about the team's lack of energy. So we should give all the guys a bunch of energy, how ever they like to take it:

For the starting pitchers...

The group that needs the most help is the starting pitchers -- well except for Carl Pavano. They really struggled, and they need some extra-large care packages.

I've noticed that they've been leaving pitches up. Hitters like it when pitchers leave their pitches up. Hitters hit pitches left up early, often, and far. So we need to send a case of "down in the zone":

And, except for Pavano, the starting pitchers haven't really been going far into games, which puts undue strain on the bullpen. They really need to eat a lot more innings. We should send some Innings Seasoning so the innings will be more delicious and the guys will eat more:

Speaking of Pavano, have you noticed he started pitching really well ever since he started growing that nasty mustache? It may be ugly, but you can't ignore its power. I think he must add some special magic to it, which is great since there are no MLB rules against mustaches having performance-enhancing powers. I suggest we break into his suitcase, steal a sample of his formula, figure out how to mass-produce it, and give a dozen jars of it to each of the other starters:

I know that having these nasty-'staches on all the starters will significantly decrease the attractiveness of the team. Many female fans will have a hard time liking our cute boys with '70s-bad-cop-show-style facial hair, but it's just a sacrifice we'll have to make. After all, ugly mustaches are nothing compared to ugly pitching.

For all the guys...
I've said it before -- there's nothing more fun than bubbles. No one can be bummed out and mad if he's surrounded by millions of bubbles. And if the guys are happy, they're certain to play better. So, another big bubble machine it is:

Hopefully, these lovingly-assembled care packages will make the guys forget their troubles and help them play more like we know they can.

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