Call For Arms

I wouldn't be surprised to see this hanging up at the dome in time for Friday's game:

Help Wanted
Pitcher
Energetic and athletic people needed to perform pitching duties for a Major League Baseball club. The ideal candidate would have a pulse, have strong leadership skills, and be able to throw a baseball 60'6". Ability to throw accurately preferred, but not required. Perks include travel to exciting locations, appearances on television, and working with Joe Mauer. Both full-time and part-time positions available. Salary based on qualifications. Contact r.anderson@pleasehelpthetwinspitchingstaff.com. Deadline to apply is 8/31/09.

Do you think they'd get any qualified applicants? The key word here being qualified.

~~~

Recap:
Monday: Twins 2 - Orioles 1
Tuesday: Twins 7 - Orioles 6
Wednesday: Twins 1 - Orioles 5

Yes, it's great that the Twins won the series. But the wins were so hard. And they're the Orioles.

~~~

Who's getting excited about the new stadium. Be sure to visit Betsy's blog for some groovy pictures of it.

~~~

I've mentioned before that I love the Cake Wrecks blog. This post is baseball related. And hilarious.

My Joe Crede Paper Doll

Poor Joe Crede. He's out of the lineup again with a sore back. We all knew when the Twins signed him that he would be sitting out sometimes because of that twice-surgically-repaired back -- especially since they're asking him to play on Field Turf. And, to be honest, I'm not at all disappointed or frustrated with the amount of time he has to take off due to his back.

However, his other body parts are giving him grief. Everything from his right hand swelling due to being hit by a pitch to his ankle turning as he ran the bases. To his credit though, he hasn't landed on the DL.

So I made this awesome paper doll that demonstrates all the ouchies and other issues that have kept him out of the lineup. Wow, it kind of looks like his left leg is totally going to fall off. I just kinda threw in the "Little Bundle of Joy" thing; I'm not saying that he shouldn't have left the team for that.

You gotta admit, the skin-tight uni is pretty sweet. How very 1978.

Now, I'm not complaining at all about the amount of time he's missed. I just feel bad that so many different aches and pains are getting the best of him. And to be clear, I really, really, really want to love Crede. It's so nice to have a real third baseman. His defense is generally fantastic. And his bat's pretty good, too. But, I'm afraid to become too attached because chances are he's going to be gone after this year. This is why I haven't given him a nickname yet.

I'm just glad I'm not making a paper doll for Adrian Beltre.

Breathing

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

This Royals series had me holding my breath a couple of times, but a Twins' sweep made it all worth it.

Recap:
Friday: Twins 5 - Royals 4
Saturday: Twins 8 - Royals 7
Sunday: Twins 10 - Royals 3

Friday's game was fine, until Joe Nathan came to the mound, and then I was a mess. To be fair, I'm always nervous when the Nathanator comes out. I think his hyper-anxiety rubs off on me. I wasn't necessarily worried that he would blow the save, I was just generally worried.

I was right to be worried.

But, after the blown save, he went out for the 10th after the Twins re-took the lead. And it took him for...ev...er to pin it down, all the while I'm sitting and hyperventilating. But he did it. Whew.

Saturday's game was fine, until the bullpen came in. Duensing did just fine by only allowing 2 runs, but "Tell-me-again-why-he's-here" Keppel and "The Crainwreck" Crain each gave up two runs to allow them within two. And since Nathan was unavailable because of Friday's herculean effort, it was Guerrier's game to save. And I thought I was hyperventilating the night before. He allowed a run, but eventually got the save. Whew -- again!

Sunday's game was not hyperventilation-inducing -- thank goodness. That awesome offensive outburst in the 7th, and Pavano's nice pitching performance, was just the relaxing game I needed. Cuddy's two homeruns in one inning was a little breathtaking, though. He's the first Twin to ever do that; I, for one, think that's damn cool.

~~~

And since I forgot to recap the Texas series:
Monday: Twins 5 - Rangers 8
Tuesday: Twins 9 - Rangers 6
Wednesday: Twins 5 - Rangers 4
Thursday: Twins 1 - Rangers 11

Splitting the series was better than I expected. So, yay for that...you know, if Thursday's game hadn't been so soul crushing.

Time to Bust Out the Medical Dictionary

So this road trip has proven to be costly for the Twins as far as injuries and other medical conditions are concerned. I want to make sure I know exactly what's going on with the boys, so I'll consult my trusty medical dictionary again (I use Stedman's).

Justin Morneau: Everyone is referring to his condition as an "inner ear infection," very similar to what Denard Span had. Hmmm...let's see...ok, I've got it.

labyrinthitis (a.k.a. otitis interna); inflammation of the labyrinth (the internal ear), sometimes accompanied by vertigo.

Well, that sounds about right -- that vertigo thing makes it different from ear infections common to children (otitis media) and also can be more serious. Here's hoping he has the correct medication and can get well soon.

Jason Kubel: No one really said what the injury to his knee was that took him out of Tuesday's game. But since he was back in the line up on Wednesday, I'll assume it was only a boo-boo.

contusion; 1. any injury caused by a blow in which the skin is not broken. 2. bruise.

It's not serious. A little ice and therapy, and he'll be fine.

But as great as Stedman's is, it's really meant for general medicine. There are certain injuries and conditions that are specific to baseball. Some of them are specific to the Twins. So for this information, I had to sneak in to the Metrodome on Tuesday and swipe the medical dictionary out of the trainer's room. Don't worry, there was no way I was going to get caught -- all the security staff had left the building to go to Winter Park for the Favre-apolooza.

It proved to be very informative.

Francisco Liriano (and others who I won't name): He was placed on the DL after Monday's game with what they're calling "arm fatigue." I don't buy it. Here's what I really think it is:

isuckthereforeimustbehurtosis; a condition immediately following a poor performance, characterized by complaining of "something's not right" or other vague assesments. See also: isuckandmyteamwantstocallupsomeoneelseosis, isuckandimoutofoptionssomyteamcannotsendmedownosis.

That was the closest entry I could find for him.

Philip Humber: I suspect that he might be suffering from the following common affliction.

new guy syndrome (NGS); the inability to distinguish players on your team from players from the opposing team, often causing errant throws to no one.

I know, I know, he's not really new. Hopefully, it's not an ongoing condition.

Scott Baker: It's been such a struggle to figure out his story.

selective baseball competency amnesia (SBCA); the inability to follow a good performance with another good performance.

Yikes! That sounds chronic.

Ron Gardenhire: No one has said anything about him having any kind of condition, but every time the camera shows him on TV, I can tell that he has something. And I'm not the only one who noticed; our friend luckie/sarah noticed it too.

facewillfreezethiswayparesis; characterized by uncontrollable and continued scowling, grimacing, sneering, and/or rolling of eyes, usually accompanied by redness of the face and neck. Sometimes accompanied by chronic peptic ulcer. Usually caused by stress or despair.

Watch for it -- you'll see it too. I think many fans might have this one too.

CTD

Although I don't technically work in the medical field, my job does give me occasional reason to look up terms in a medical dictionary. As I was browsing for another term, I stumbled upon the entry for CTD. And what I found is the perfect term to describe the Twins' hopes of winning the division -- Circling The Drain.



The dictionary defined it as the period of time right before a patient's death. It also advised against using this term because it's too crude. Crude or not, it's an accurate assessment.

Now, I thought I came to grips with the notion of no post-season a while ago, but then they went and teased me with a pitching-gem-complete-game beaut where our boys scored runs liked they liked it. And, for some unexplainable reason, they then decided not to do those things any more.

Recap:
Friday: Twins 11 - Indians 0
Saturday: Twins 3 - Indians 7
Sunday: Twins 4 - Indians 7

And all this upping and way-downing against a team they really should've been able to beat, just like the last series they dropped.

And now they're off to Texas, which is a pretty good team. Yikes.

I'd Like to Buy a Beer For...

Scott Baker

Look at this line from Friday night's game:

IP	H	R	ER	BB	SO	HR
9.0	2	0	0	0	5	0

Yup. That's right. Nine innings. No runs. That means a complete-game shutout. And that's beer-worthy.

Plus, only two hits, no walks, and five strike outs. That's just darned good pitching.

Thanks Scotty! Those kind of games are a ton of fun! Do it again, please. Oh, and don't forget your ID 'cuz you know you'll get carded.

Oh, and mad props to Jason Kubel for his 5-RBI night.

Who Are These Impostors?

Why is it that as soon as I think that I've got the Twins starting pitchers figured out, they go and do the exact opposite?

Recap:
Tuesday: Twins 6 - Royals 14
Wednesday: Twins 7 - Royals 1
Thursday: Twins 4 - Royals 5

On Tuesday, I sat down to watch the game and figured "oh, it's Nick Blackburn -- this should be a good game." Um, nope. He couldn't get out of the second inning. That's so not like him. Must've been an impostor.

On Wednesday, I sat down to watch the game and figured "ugh, it's Francisco Liriano -- there goes another game." Again, nope. He was brilliant. In fact, he was the ghost of his 2006 self. That's so not like him this season. Must've been an impostor.

Then today, I put on my headphones to listen to the game (I was at work), and figured...well, I didn't know what to think. I've only seen Carl Pavano pitch three times -- twice against the Twins, and then his first start with the Twins. He was very good all those times. So, I guess I figured "ok, it's the Royals, we've got a good chance to take this series." I don't know him well enough to know if this was live or Memorex.

~~~

There was a point in today's game that I want to sound-off about. Well, actually, I want to reply to every one who has already sounded-off about it.

In the bottom of the 6th, both Joe Crede and Mike Redmond walked. Then Nick Punto came to the plate with two on and nobody out. Unfortunately, he failed to complete the sacrifice he was expected to make and was out bunting the third strike. And boy, a lot of people are upset over that. In fact, plenty of folks blame the loss on that at-bat.

Ok, I agree that it was a horrible, awful, downright ugly at-bat. At this point in his career, he should be more than capable of executing a routine sac bunt. He really should work on that. But as nasty as it was, it turned out that it wasn't costly.

If he had executed, there would've been runners at second and third with one out. As it was, it was runners at first and second with one out. Then Denard Span took a base on balls. Assuming that D-Span would've walked regardless of where the baserunners were, Orlando Cabrera comes to the plate with the bases loaded and one out either way. It was his GIDP that was was costly.

Not that all the other guys who left runners in scoring position, and the pitcher who gave up 5 runs, weren't also responsible.

~~~

There were some positives from this series, though. I'm glad that the offense has taken my "4 or more runs" directive to heart, Joey is back in his rightful place atop the batting leader board, and Orlando Cabrera is sporting a very groovy 22-game hitting streak. Oh, and how about Cuddy's arm? Throwing out baserunners at third base from right field is very, very hot.