A Letter to Bill Smith

Dear Billy,

Hi. Remember when I introduced myself to you at the State Fair and we chatted for several minutes? Yeah, that was a good time. Because of that, I think I feel comfortable considering myself your good friend, don't you think?

As your friend, I sincerely hope you and your family had a terrific holiday season. Also, as your friend, I imagine that you're probably on vacation right now...someplace warm I hope. I don't blame you; I'm certain that Baron von Kelvin developed the idea of Absolute Zero while spending time in Minnesota in January.

As your friend, I'm hoping you can do me a little favor. I'd really appreciate it that sometime between the Mai Tais and the zip-lining, you could maybe squeeze in a couple hours of work. I don't mean to imply that you don't deserve a vacation, you absolutely do, but I'm getting a little worried that you'll opt for a permanent vacation and never come back to work. Who hasn't dreamt of that?

As your friend, I just wanted to remind you that you've lost more players than you've added. Plus, you still have six players still awaiting avoiding arbitration. You don't want to go through arbitration with that many guys, do you? What a hassle. I worry about your stress level.

As your friend, I think I'm comfortable telling you that I don't believe in your starting rotation as it is right now. Although, I did appreciate the little stirring up of the rumor mill earlier this week by allowing "someone close to the negotiations" to leak that you were close to signing Pavano. Good move; it let me know that there were no incidents with that swimming with sharks attraction. But if you could just finish the move, that'd be great. I don't have a lot of confidence that Liriano and Baker can remain healthy, or that Slowey, Blackburn, or Duensing can remain consistent. Think about that; for an old pal?

So how about really signing Pavano soon? I know that Pavs kind of wore down a little with a sore neck and such, but I bet if you bought him one of those comfort curve memory foam pillows, plus hired him a massage therapist, that'd fix him right up. And a legit therapist, too...not one named Kandi or Britni. A good one with good hands. For a massage only. Jim Thome could benefit, too. Oh, and don't forget Thome. You yourself said you liked having him around. C'mon buddy...

As your friend, I most of all want you to do something...anything. I know you probably have a spa appointment, a couple of tee times, a fishing trip, and probably parasailing lessons scheduled for the next few days, but maybe you can just give me a sign that you still want to be friends. It's really for the good of the team.

BFAAF (Best Friends Always And Forever),
k-bro