To: Baseball Gods
From: k-bro, on behalf of Twins Territory
Subject: ALDS Yankees v. Twins
Thank you for taking a moment to read my memo; I know that you are quite busy preparing to watch the exciting MLB games. I have a few concerns regarding tonight's Yankees - Twins game, and I hope you can help.
If I've learned anything from the movie Angels In the Outfield (the one starring Christopher Lloyd), it's that neither you nor your angels are allowed to influence the outcome of championship games. I respect that. I also suspect that some of you may be former Yankees, so me asking for a little push for the Twins likely is a fool's errand. However, there are some things you may be able to influence that will improve the enjoyability of the games for everyone involved.
I don't know if you know Mother Nature well, but I suspect that you do since Target Field was blessed with excellent weather all season. Twins fans really appreciated that. So, if you do have pull with her, if you don't mind, please ask her for continued nice weather at Target Field. It's important for Minnesotans to convince the national media that we don't perienially live in igloos and wear mukluks, and we don't want the ESPN folks' brains to freeze any more than they already are. It seems as if she's already blessed us with temperate conditions -- the next two days are forecasted to be nicer in Minnesota than in New York -- so please thank her for that.
Speaking of media-folk, many fans who are unable to attend the games are forced to watch the broadcasts at home or at their favorite drinking establishment. If I remember last year's playoffs correctly, the broadcasting crews left quite a bit to be desired. Baseball fans everywhere were tickled that you managed to get Chip Caray fired from TBS. Would it be possible to find a way to influence this year's announcers to be intellegent, fair, and interesting while at the same time erasing stupid cliches from their memorybanks? Also, if you have time to set Craig Sager's wardrobe locker ablaze, I would greatly appreciate it.
Another issue from last year's playoffs I'd like you to help with is the umpiring. As you may be aware, there were a number of questionable calls that greatly interfered with the outcome of the games. Yes, it's true that Phil Cuzzi, the one who blew the call on Joe Mauer's hit, is not scheduled to officiate during this series, but his was not the only rotten call. So, if you please, bless all the umpires with perfect eyesight, fair hearts, uncanny knowledge of the rules, and correct calls.
Finally, I'd like to ask that you protect all the players from injury, even the Yankees. While my hatred for the Yankees cannot be overestimated, I'm not mean. The series will be most fun if the trainers are doing nothing -- unless, of course, Derek Jeter is pretending to have a broken wrist from a pitch that doesn't get near him. And that won't be a problem if the umpire makes the right call.
Thank you for your time and consideration on these matters. I am confident that you will be able to provide assistance for the good of the game. I wish you health and happiness. Enjoy the post-season.